The Charisma Chronicles: episode #9 of 10

I must really apologize. That headline is so misleading.

Did you come here thinking I was going to tell you just one thing to stop doing?

Did you think that by stopping doing that one thing it would unleash your charisma and overwhelm your audiences like the Roman Army overwhelming its opposing armies in Gladiator?

At my signal, unleash hell.

—Maximus

Allow me to explain.

It would be disingenuous of me to advise you and say something like, “stop being so guarded” and expect you to see any results. Let me pick another one, “stop getting distracted when people are talking to you.” There isn’t one behavior that is blocking you and there isn’t one behavior that will generate charisma for you.

So why did I write that cruelly deceptive headline and risk losing all the trust we’ve built up to date? Well, there is one thing you should definitely stop doing if you want to develop more charisma. The twist is it more about how you think about learning charisma. It’s not about how you implement it.

The #1 thing stopping you from having more charisma is following bad advice on charisma. This bad advice comes in two flavors.

Flavor 1: The Soul-less clone approach

Most books and article about charisma exhort you to develop certain traits or perform certain charisma-enhancing behaviors. The problem with this approach is without understanding the underlying mechanism that generates charisma, this is really hit-or-miss.

Copying someone who has an intangible quality like charisma will not make you more charismatic. It will just make you a cheap, soul-less copy. Let’s take George Clooney for example. And me.

Let’s say I drink the same coffee as George. I dress like him. I change my speech to sound and talk like him. I emulate his smile, his walk, and his hair. Well, perhaps a wig since I’m bald, but I digress.

Ask yourself, if I make 1000 modifications to look and behave like George Clooney will I suddenly possess his charm and charisma? Will Stacy Keibler or Amal Alamuddin be impressed by my Clooney-ness?

Of course not! You know this.

You cannot replicate intangible qualities using tangible behavior.

It doesn’t work.

So stop falling like Charlie Brown for those Top 10 lists of things to start doing to have more Charisma.

Flavor 2: The too-specific success story

I love a good underdog or success story just as much as the next guy, but hearing about how someone else developed and deployed charisma is of limited value to me unless that story reveals the deep, underlying principles of charisma. In most stories you hear a lot about strategies and tactics. The problem with that is strategies and tactics only work when used in the right scenarios. Richard Branson’s scenario is not my scenario. We are vastly different in terms of geographical setting, background, ability, access to resources, luck, moment in time you name it. So unless his story contains the universal principles that I can try to apply to my own situation, the primary value of hearing his story is inspiration. I’m not going to be able to start an airline, a record company, etc. using his formula for success. That’s just silly.

So now that you’ve stopped doing things that won’t help, what should you do instead?

Do whatever it takes to generate more charisma as defined below:

Charisma is the ability to sense, and ultimately deliver, exactly what is most needed from an emotional perspective in a given moment.

Anything you do to get you closer to being able to do the above will help you move the charisma needle.

Everything else may help nominally, but is mostly a waste of time because you are not targeting the actual charisma-generating mechanism, which is based on emotional connection and in a way, leadership.

If you do this, you will be well on your way! I hope to cross paths with you someday because I love a charismatic person.

Cheers!

If you are curious about the other principles that underlie the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.

The Charisma Chronicles: episode #8 of 10

Okay, you’ve been learning about Charisma for 7 episodes so far. You’re starting to grasp the key concepts and maybe you are even starting to take some of what you learned and apply it to new or existing relationships.

First of all, let me say, “Bravo!” It takes a lot of courage to try something new and risk failing or looking foolish. I admire that immensely.

Pat on the back: DONE!

Now let’s get back to work.

So let’s say you are making a shift to get into the right state of being, which is a relaxed one. You are sensing what is needed most emotionally and you are delivering it to the person. Or at least you think you are doing all these things.

You may be wondering at some point, “How will I know if it is working?”

Great question!

Allow me to share a piece of Charisma Technology with you.

The Charisma Barometer (a.k.a. the 3 L’s)

There are three telltale signs that you are making an emotional connection with someone and moving them emotionally to a good place..

1. The Lean

   When you are deeply connecting to someone, you’ll notice an almost imperceptible movement of their body towards yours. Not a Leaning Tower of Pisa type of lean. It’s more subtle, but if you look for it, you will notice it. They will not necessarily invade your socially acceptable personal space, but they will move closer to you than where they were before. This sort of shift, as well as other body language “tells” speak volumes and way more than words.

2. The Laugh

   This need not always be a literal laugh. Think of it as a lightening of the soul, playfulness, or an increase in joy. Note this can happen even while dealing with totally serious and grave matters and connecting and staying serious. There is a feeling of unburdening because you are now sharing a burden together. And of course, a literal laugh during a more light-hearted interaction is always a good sign.

3. The Look

   A person’s lips can lie, but it is a lot harder for their eyes. Where a person’s eyes are focused show where they are focused. If they are looking at you, this shows engagement and focus on you and the connection you are developing. If they are looking somewhere else or seem to be lost in their own thoughts, you are not connected or are losing them. Now here’s something amazing I just noticed the other day! When you are having a great interaction and your charisma is strong, when you part the other person will sort of slightly look up, then give a little head bob (like after you just had a great meal or dessert). This is a telltale sign that you just had a really great interaction. They are thinking something to the effect of, “WOW, that was a surprisingly great interaction. Who is that person? And why can’t more people be like that?”

The best thing about charisma is the effect lasts way beyond the moment it was generated.

You will remain in their thoughts long past the time you are no longer in physical proximity and they will be drawn to you. Make no mistake, what you gave them is so rare in this world. We all seek that sort of bond. It is intoxicating.

Now go forth and use your new power responsibly!

If you are curious about the other principles that underlie the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.

The Charisma Chronicles: episode #7 of 10

Sometimes It’s hard to talk about charisma with busy professionals because it can have a few negative connotations.

• Are we talking about dating? Nooooo!

• Is charisma a substitute for hard work and merit? Nope, though there will always be people who attempt to use it this way.

• Isn’t teaching charisma teaching someone to be manipulative?

I really want to consider that last question.

When you have charisma, people gravitate towards you. In addition, because of the deep emotional connection you have, they are more likely to be influenced by you.

The only difference between a servant leader and a narcissistic leader in terms of charisma is the goal they deploy their charisma to serve.

Ask yourself, do you deploy your influence for the mutual benefit of the person and yourself, or just yourself?

So at the end of the day, having oodles or charisma is no more likely to be abused than any other skill such as strategic thinking, personal branding, or negotiating.

Charisma is not manipulative. The person with the charisma can be manipulative or not.

There is one hazard for people who start to get charisma. It has less to do with charisma itself and more to do with the power you may come into as a result.

The thing we need to consider is how charisma gives a person a sort of elevated status among their peers. Eventually, this person may soar ever higher, like a hot air balloon sailing into the clouds. 

As you sail higher and higher and look down at the people below who are getting smaller and smaller, a few things can happen.

You lose the ability to relate to people below you and more readily dehumanize them.

You feel that you are above the law and that the rules don’t apply to you.

You lose the rigor of judgment and thinking that got you here.

The antidote is to have certain anchors in your life like the sandbags that weigh down hot air balloons.

One example is one that I’m fortunate to have in my wife, I mean life.

An anchor against getting too full of yourself is to have an anchor person in your life who helps you keep your feet on the ground and gives honest feedback from the perspective of someone who cares more about you than how they can benefit from you. They will always tell you when you step out of line or start to get a skewed perspective.

The alternative? The Emperor’s New Clothes.

The bottom line is charisma is just a tool and neither teaching it, having it or using it is intrinsically good or bad. The important thing is how it is deployed by the person who wields it.

Finally, when charisma leads to success, like any other success it can be heady stuff and without being anchored in life, you can lose your way. Caveat emptor.

If you are curious about the other principles that underly the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.