The Charisma Chronicles: episode #8 of 10

Okay, you’ve been learning about Charisma for 7 episodes so far. You’re starting to grasp the key concepts and maybe you are even starting to take some of what you learned and apply it to new or existing relationships.

First of all, let me say, “Bravo!” It takes a lot of courage to try something new and risk failing or looking foolish. I admire that immensely.

Pat on the back: DONE!

Now let’s get back to work.

So let’s say you are making a shift to get into the right state of being, which is a relaxed one. You are sensing what is needed most emotionally and you are delivering it to the person. Or at least you think you are doing all these things.

You may be wondering at some point, “How will I know if it is working?”

Great question!

Allow me to share a piece of Charisma Technology with you.

The Charisma Barometer (a.k.a. the 3 L’s)

There are three telltale signs that you are making an emotional connection with someone and moving them emotionally to a good place..

1. The Lean

   When you are deeply connecting to someone, you’ll notice an almost imperceptible movement of their body towards yours. Not a Leaning Tower of Pisa type of lean. It’s more subtle, but if you look for it, you will notice it. They will not necessarily invade your socially acceptable personal space, but they will move closer to you than where they were before. This sort of shift, as well as other body language “tells” speak volumes and way more than words.

2. The Laugh

   This need not always be a literal laugh. Think of it as a lightening of the soul, playfulness, or an increase in joy. Note this can happen even while dealing with totally serious and grave matters and connecting and staying serious. There is a feeling of unburdening because you are now sharing a burden together. And of course, a literal laugh during a more light-hearted interaction is always a good sign.

3. The Look

   A person’s lips can lie, but it is a lot harder for their eyes. Where a person’s eyes are focused show where they are focused. If they are looking at you, this shows engagement and focus on you and the connection you are developing. If they are looking somewhere else or seem to be lost in their own thoughts, you are not connected or are losing them. Now here’s something amazing I just noticed the other day! When you are having a great interaction and your charisma is strong, when you part the other person will sort of slightly look up, then give a little head bob (like after you just had a great meal or dessert). This is a telltale sign that you just had a really great interaction. They are thinking something to the effect of, “WOW, that was a surprisingly great interaction. Who is that person? And why can’t more people be like that?”

The best thing about charisma is the effect lasts way beyond the moment it was generated.

You will remain in their thoughts long past the time you are no longer in physical proximity and they will be drawn to you. Make no mistake, what you gave them is so rare in this world. We all seek that sort of bond. It is intoxicating.

Now go forth and use your new power responsibly!

If you are curious about the other principles that underlie the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.

The Charisma Chronicles: episode #7 of 10

Sometimes It’s hard to talk about charisma with busy professionals because it can have a few negative connotations.

• Are we talking about dating? Nooooo!

• Is charisma a substitute for hard work and merit? Nope, though there will always be people who attempt to use it this way.

• Isn’t teaching charisma teaching someone to be manipulative?

I really want to consider that last question.

When you have charisma, people gravitate towards you. In addition, because of the deep emotional connection you have, they are more likely to be influenced by you.

The only difference between a servant leader and a narcissistic leader in terms of charisma is the goal they deploy their charisma to serve.

Ask yourself, do you deploy your influence for the mutual benefit of the person and yourself, or just yourself?

So at the end of the day, having oodles or charisma is no more likely to be abused than any other skill such as strategic thinking, personal branding, or negotiating.

Charisma is not manipulative. The person with the charisma can be manipulative or not.

There is one hazard for people who start to get charisma. It has less to do with charisma itself and more to do with the power you may come into as a result.

The thing we need to consider is how charisma gives a person a sort of elevated status among their peers. Eventually, this person may soar ever higher, like a hot air balloon sailing into the clouds. 

As you sail higher and higher and look down at the people below who are getting smaller and smaller, a few things can happen.

You lose the ability to relate to people below you and more readily dehumanize them.

You feel that you are above the law and that the rules don’t apply to you.

You lose the rigor of judgment and thinking that got you here.

The antidote is to have certain anchors in your life like the sandbags that weigh down hot air balloons.

One example is one that I’m fortunate to have in my wife, I mean life.

An anchor against getting too full of yourself is to have an anchor person in your life who helps you keep your feet on the ground and gives honest feedback from the perspective of someone who cares more about you than how they can benefit from you. They will always tell you when you step out of line or start to get a skewed perspective.

The alternative? The Emperor’s New Clothes.

The bottom line is charisma is just a tool and neither teaching it, having it or using it is intrinsically good or bad. The important thing is how it is deployed by the person who wields it.

Finally, when charisma leads to success, like any other success it can be heady stuff and without being anchored in life, you can lose your way. Caveat emptor.

If you are curious about the other principles that underly the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.

The Charisma Chronicles: episode #6 of 10

There is at least one in every room, every school, every board room.

The one.

I’m not talking about Neo from the Matrix, but I might as well be.

You’ve seen it yourself. It is the person, who for better or for worse, everyone seems to follow, listen to, and take their cues from. Sometimes that’s a good thing and you can do great things together and sometimes they wreak havoc without any apparent accountability.

The question we are wrestling with today is not the morality of this person, but rather why some people have charisma to spare and others have very little.

Let’s rule out some common, but incorrect theories about why some people have more charisma. Is it based on:

• Looks? No

• Money? Nope

• Height? Sorry

• Pedigree? That would be unfair and . . . No.

• Moral ambiguity? You’re frightening the children and no.

• Listening skills? Close, but no cigar.

• Authenticity? Great quality, but not sufficient.

• Power poses? You must be joking.

• Ability to mimic body language? Stop. Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself now. Okay, maybe I tried this. Once. Perhaps.

To understand why some people have more charisma, we have to go back to our original definition of charisma. I first shared this in episode #1 of the Charisma Chronicles and I’ll repeat it here.

Charisma is the ability to sense, and ultimately deliver, exactly what is most needed from an emotional perspective in a given moment.

Anyone, and I repeat anyone, who is able to do this will have charisma.

I don’t care how rich/poor, attractive/unattractive, famous/obscure or old/young you are. This is because charisma happens in the invisible emotional space between people.

So why are some people better at doing the necessary than others?

Why are some people better at singing or doing puzzles? It’s a combination of innate ability, ability to learn, and practice to improve.

If we look at these areas, innate ability and ability to learn are out of our control. There is only one area that we have any control over — the quantity and quality of practice.

The simple answer is most people with more Charisma have been practicing it their whole lives for one reason or another.

People aren’t practicing charisma consciously. No 5 year-old says, “I’m going to be charismatic.”

It’s more a byproduct of how they interacted with their environment and charisma becoming a main tool they deployed just like any other ability like grit or humor. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s a survival skill.

Here’s the good news. Even if you didn’t practice and learn charisma early on, you can still learn it today. Like acquiring any new skill that you don’t currently have, it will be uncomfortable, you will stink at first and you will want to give up. That’s ok. For those who understand how charisma works and put in the practice needed, the rewards are tremendous.

An easy way to start the journey of building more charisma is to do a charisma skills inventory.

Ask yourself:

• How good are you at sensing others emotional needs?

• How good are you at sensing your own emotional needs?

• How skilled are you at keeping your own emotional balance and withstanding negative emotional contagion?

• What skills of connection and leadership do you have that help you influence others emotions?

If you give honest answers to these questions, and start to add any tools that are missing and sharpen the tools that you have, you will start to become more charismatic.

Would love to hear from you about how it goes . . .

If you are curious about the other principles that underly the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.