The Charisma Chronicles: episode #5 of 10

Ever notice how the more you want something, the further away it seems to get?

In fact, sometimes the just the act of trying seems to make things worse than if you had done nothing. That’s why we have expressions like “trying too hard” and “get out of your own way.”

How come some people have it so easy? What is their secret?

Is there a secret?

When it comes to improving relationships, it’s folly to act as if we were human robots. Sure, there are emotional capabilities and skills that can be taught and improved upon. I’m not saying we shouldn’t strive to grow and learn.

When it comes to something as complicated, rich and dynamic as human relationships, you cannot program a natural response.

Once your conscious mind is engaged and you are trying to apply a strategy, your actions will be too slow or too stilted to be truly effective.

It’s like how you can tell when someone is trying to butter you up because they want something from you. You don’t need to be a championship poker player to read that from a person. It’s just in our DNA that we have this little sensor that chirps, “danger, danger!”

Here’s the key.

Think about any top-level performer you admire in any field or pursuit in life. They don’t have to be a professional or famous. Someone who you consider one of the best at what they do, whether it is being a parent or a Formula 1 driver.

Consider this. When they are in a situation where they need to perform, they are not thinking about how to perform. They are not thinking about what specific skills to deploy.

They already possess the skills and experience accumulated from a lifetime of learning. They effortlessly deploy exactly the skill that is needed at exactly the right moment, quite unconsciously. This is because they are the person they need to be already. All they need to perform at a high level is be in the right state of being.

When you struggle, you drown; when you relax, you float.

—Unknown via Tiffany Ann-Beverlin

This is why we have expressions like “in the zone” or “he’s unconscious” or “on cruise control.”

So to go back to the original question. How does someone make charisma look so easy?

The answer is that they are not trying. They are just in the right state of being where they can be their most charismatic and are just reacting to what is presented to them in the right way at the right moment. This state of being is a relaxed one which facilitates everything being absorbed and enables words and actions to flow readily.

It’s very much like watching a virtuoso musician, athlete or dancer. They just flow.

However, consider this. It’s not the skill level they possess that makes it look easy. If you see a virtuouso panic or choke under the pressure, they are underperforming relative to their ability.

What’s the difference?

The difference is for one reason or another, they were prevented from entering, the relaxed, high-performing state of being they usually inhabit during their typically great performances.

It’s exactly the same principle for you with regards to charisma. The best part is, you already have everything you need. You just need to unlock it.

Warning! Shameless plug coming!

If you want to learn more about how to unlock the charisma that you already have inside you, I take you through everything you need in my book, Unlock Your Charisma, available on Amazon Kindle and Apple Books.

If you are curious about the other principles that underly the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.

The Charisma Chronicles: episode #4 of 10

Like fate, charisma can be fickle. Or at least it can seem to be.

Ever notice how someone can have so much charisma in one setting and then have none in another? Changing towns, schools or jobs can be an opportunity to reinvent yourself or for the formerly popular, it can be a rude awakening.

What is going on?

There are two scenarios where someone will be perceived as having charisma.

Scenario #1: Circumstantial Charisma

You lucky dog. Guess what? The room, company or relationship you are in just happens to totally love the way you are. The stars have aligned and you are giving that person exactly what they need from an emotional standpoint. Here’s the rub. You are a just being you and the the pieces just happen to fit. In other words, if someone needed something different, you wouldn’t be able to recognize it or perhaps you would, but you would just go on doing you.

People with Circumstantial Charisma are only charismatic when the situation they are in fits them perfectly.

Scenario #2: Bona Fide Charisma

How do you pronounce that, anyway? Bona figh? Bona fee-day? I can never remember. But, I digress. You are a shapeshifter. Not only can you sense what others need, you can adapt to provide people exactly what they need from an emotional perspective. You are still you, but you can shift gears, unlike the person with only Circumstantial Charisma. If you think about it, on a smaller scale, we do this all the time. Or we should. You don’t talk to a child, a stranger, a family member and a boss in exactly the same way. In the same way may be adjustments for a person’s language abilities and our social relationships with them, a person with Bona Fide Charisma makes adjustments to give whoever they are with the emotion that they need.

I know you probably have questions. Allow to address the two most common ones.

Q1: “Emotion that they need? What does that even mean?”

Think about someone you need who is going through a rough patch. Depending on that exact moment you are with them, they could need a few different things emotionally. Support. Kindness,. Inspiration. Acceptance. Levity.

Now imagine you bring to them, through the way you are and the way you interact with them, exactly what they need. Not what you are good at delivering and not what you think they should have, but what they need. That is charisma.

Each person, each situation, each moment may require one of a myriad of things. It’s not about asking a person what they need either. It is you sensing and knowing, perhaps before they do, what it is they need and then delivering it. It’s like the Henry Ford quote below and Steve Job adopted a similar approach for his customers.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

—Henry Ford

Q2: “Are you proposing we just give people whatever they want and forget about ourselves? That sounds pathetic, not charismatic!”

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. The difference here is we are talking about moving someplace together and you are leading. So it is not about taking orders or being the perfect servant and figuring out what they want before they know what it is. It’s about the best place for the both of you to go together and this means who you are and what you bring goes into the mix and ends up creating the final destination.

Here is the key.

When you are deeply connected to someone and are open to your own authentic self, you don’t have to think about what to do. You will just know what to do and what you do will be charismatic.

If you are curious about the principles that underlie the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.

The Charisma Chronicles: episode #3 of 10

Thanks in no small part to Susan Cain’s research and TED talks, it seems like Introverts are having a moment. Anyone who identifies as an introvert and is sick of being told to be more outgoing is probably thinking, “at last!” Which leads me to my next question, if charisma is so impactful,

Can someone who is an Introvert have Charisma?

First, let’s clear up and important misconception. Though different psychologists may define introversion slightly differently, introversion does not equal being shy. Personally, I like Cain's definition that introverts have a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating environment.

We all have a stereotype of a charismatic person being an extrovert and that’s alright. But, stop and think for a second. Though most charismatic people you know may be extroverts, not every extrovert you know is charismatic. Some extroverts are better defined by the following words: loud-mouth, boor, attention-hog, or obnoxious.

And maybe you really do know a lot of introverts with charisma, you just don’t think of them that way because of our societal bias towards extroverts. The following people are identified as introverts and have done fine in the charisma and success departments.

Keanu Reeves - Neo, John Wick, I can never remember, was he Bill or Ted?

Steve Jobs - You don’t build a trillion dollar company without some charisma

Steven Spielberg - The man who brought us Indiana Jones, ET and velociraptors

JK Rowling - Richer than the Queen, wrote Harry Potter

Warren Buffett - The Oracle of Omaha, people regularly bid over $1 million dollars to have lunch with him

Mahatma Gandhi - Try to convince anyone you know that when they are getting hit not to hit back

Michael Jordan - Lots of rings, sneakers, a hit movie

Meryl Streep - Watch any movie she has made if the Academy Awards are not enough to convince you

Elon Musk - Real-life Tony Stark

So how is an introvert able to have charisma? What makes the difference between those introverts who make an impact and those who fade into the background and are forgotten?

Once we understand that charisma is about sensing and ultimately delivering what is most needed from an emotional perspective, we can start to see how neither extroversion nor introversion defines charisma.

The key for introverts is that while still operating within their preference for a minimally stimulating environment, they have to be able to emotionally connect with others and deliver what that other person needs. For example, a struggling company can be just as energized by a thoughtful leader with an ability to listen and quietly instill confidence in the path forward as a brash, macho leader who promises to take no prisoners. Both leaders can give their employees the reassurance and comfort they need to continue to believe in the future of the company and bring their best to work.

The challenge for the introvert is they have to be among people to connect to them. They have to be able to emotionally connect to and move others. This doesn’t mean they have to be around people all the time and this doesn’t mean they shouldn’t take time away from people to recharge. This does mean they have to understand that charisma happens in the space between people and not in solitude..

If you are curious about the principles that underlie the elusive trait known as charisma, I have just released my first book, Unlock Your Charisma.

Available on Kindle and Apple Books, get the insights you need to become your most charismatic self.