Don’t Hurt Yourself
Rough week?
They say videos of cute puppies or kittens helps and I totally believe this. Smiling and laughter are very effective, too.
As for me, a funny commercial always puts a smile on my face. Hope this gives you a smile and a laugh, all in under 60 seconds.
Over sushi had a chat with a friend (let's call them Turtle) who was nervous and unsure of what to do. Turtle had a business trip to meet an executive who is a heavy hitter in their field and wanted to get to know them better. Turtle had an inspired idea to ask the executive to go watch a baseball game together, but was hesitant. The usual doubts and worries surfaced. Would the executive be too busy, not interested or somehow be off put by the invitation?
I got the sense that Turtle wasn't exactly putting the executive on a pedestal, but was definitely affected by the executive’s heavy hitter status. This was making Turtle question what seemed like a fairly reasonable, low risk / high reward move.
We talked about Principle #2 of the Connection Counselor's 4 Perspective Principles - EQUALITY.
When we come across people who have a higher status than us, whether it is in our family, company or society, we have a tendency to lose perspective of an important point.
Even the most exalted among us are in the most important ways, our equals.
Pick someone you would not dare approach. They might be an athlete, a musician or a CEO. Now imagine the two of you stranded on a desert island without food or water. Or dealing with a serious illness. You quickly see that we all have the same basic wants and needs. When we have this perspective, it frees us to be more comfortable with ourselves and others.
Later that day, I received a message from Turtle. They had emailed the executive who replied they'd be happy to go to the game. At this point, Turtle wasn't even sure why they had been so nervous in the first place. That's the funny thing about perspective.
When we lose perspective and suddenly get it back, our previous struggles can seem silly.
Here's to feeling silly!
Do you ever wish you had more talent in a given area? Do you see others who seem to know what to do naturally, while you struggle mightily? Despair not. Did you know there is a tremendous upside to being terrible at something?
One area that I’ve always struggled with is being more empathetic to others. Without getting into my childhood and the patterns that shaped me, let’s just say on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is Hannibal Lecter and 10 is the Dalai Lama, I’m probably a 3 or on a generous day, a 4. That said, I believe you can learn and change. The upside to my being terrible at empathy was I could see very clearly the things that one should not be doing when trying to be more empathetic.
For your amusement and perhaps edification, below are my 4 Cardinal Rules of Empathy:
Rule #1: Never assume how another person is feeling
For example, avoid, "You must be (feeling)."
Instead, say "I imagine that might make you (feeling)."
Rule #2: Never reframe how they should feel
For example, avoid chucking optimism in their face, "At least (insert even worse situation)."
Instead say, "That seems (feeling)."
Rule #3: Never try to change how they are feeling
For example, hold off on the silver lining, "The good thing is (insert silver lining)."
Instead say, "I'm so sorry this happened."
Rule #4: Never assume that another person will react to a situation the same way you would
For example, avoid, “I totally know how you must feel.”
Instead, ask an obvious, but powerful question, “How are you feeling?”
What helps you be more empathetic? What empathy fails have you noticed yourself or others making? Please share in the comments below…
